I have so much pride, Lord. I want it to go away, but I don’t. I’ve spent a lot of time—the majority of my life—wanting to be the center of attention. Now I want to be humble.
“Our Lord says to St. Catherine of Siena: ‘I am He who is, you are she who is not. Seek Me within you and you will be happy.’” Holy Spirit, help me understand that I have been created by and for God. During this time of meditation, Lord, you said to me, “Listen to what Fr. Rafael said. I have happiness. I want to make you happy. I want you to do my will.” I repeated, “You are everything. I am she who is not.” Lord, I have offended You so often… I have so much pride, Lord. I want it to go away, but I don’t. I’ve spent a lot of time—the majority of my life—wanting to be the center of attention. Now I want to be humble and have humility, and yet still be recognized. I love You, Lord. I want to love You more. I want to abandon myself completely to You…”
(after the meditation “Principle and Foundation,” November 1, 2001).
“I was pretty distracted during this meditation. I tried to remember God’s mercy, but I was still distracted. Nonetheless, the Lord told me that I must undergo purification and suffer. Lord, I beg You to help me in whatever it is that I must suffer. I beg you to give me the willingness of heart that I ardently desire and to go wherever You want, whenever You want, no matter what happens.”
(after the meditation “The Two Standards,” November 2, 2001).
“During this time I meditated on the mercy that the Lord has shown me… I felt the desire—the need—to do penance. I want to be capable of desiring the cross. I need to prepare myself for the cross with a lot of prayer and formation. I must make little acts of renunciation to prepare me for the unexpected test that will come soon.”
(after the meditation on hell, November 2, 2001).
We can see her generous disposition and complete openness to God’s will for her. He still had to test her vocation. Therefore, during these exercises, He prepared her soul, filling her with the desire for the cross. A few months later, she began to receive phone calls from her manager in Ireland, offering her a role in a new film. Later on, she would refer to this time as one of the biggest temptations she had to go through. The trial strengthened her and purified her love for the Lord. It helped her to leave aside her desires for fame and human greatness completely. Her heart was to be undivided for God.