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Perpetual Vows

I often need to kneel before the Father. The truth is that I only find peace when I lean for support on Him, when I go before Him with all my miseries and I let God be God, who loves me and forgives me unconditionally.

This is an excerpt from a letter Sr. Clare wrote a year before her perpetual vows to Fr. Rafael Alonso, founder of the Home of the Mother. She tells him how she sees that she is poor and in need of the Lord's mercy.

The countdown to my perpetual vows begins… I cannot believe it is time. I am aware of what I am going to do, and I only ask the Lord for the grace to be faithful. A prayer from St. Augustine helps me. It says, “Miserable man that I am, when will my pusillanimity and imperfection be conformed to your righteousness? You indeed are good, and I evil; You are merciful, and I unmerciful; You are holy, and I miserable; You are just, and I unjust; You are light, and I blindness; You are medicine; and I sickness; You are supreme truth; and I utter vanity.”

It is strange that prayer is hard for me at times because of spiritual dryness or what the Lord permits, yet I love to be in his presence and I do not want to leave. It is hard for me to go to prayer and it is hard for me to leave. Strange, right?

Lately, I am meditating on the parable about the prodigal son and it is helping me a lot. It does me a lot of good to look at Rembrandt’s painting because I feel totally identified with the son that was lost, broken and empty, not only in my past life, but even sometimes now.

I often need to kneel before the Father. The truth is that I only find peace when I lean for support on Him, when I go before Him with all my miseries and I let God be God, who loves me and forgives me unconditionally. I do not always understand His love and His mercy because mine is so weak and stained. Sometimes it seems as if I want to demonstrate to God that my darkness is too great to be overcome. But I experience that God asks me to trust in Him and when I do that, then I have peace and freedom.

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